venting...

this place is really starting to get to me, iv been avoiding thinking about suicide and what a horrible idea it is, but i was thinking about it today, and it made me really sad, i was sitting on the bus and a woman next to me.. next to me as in the other side of the aisle, was eating some like.. sweet things, and she offered one to me, it was a really sweet gesture, and it made me think about people and the things people do, anyway by the time i had gotten to the forest i had started thinking about suicide and how people actually come here to kill themselves.. like.. obviously i knew that, but i had avoided thinking about it properly, and that really got me down. i was reading an article from the independant when one of the reporters came here for the body hunt, and one of the police officers he interviewed said everytime the place gets publicised it attracts more people and 90% of the people they manage to stop from killing themselves and take into protective custody say they heard about the forest from tv or newspaper or whatever... makes me feel like an idiot for trying to publicise it... like... the point of the project　from a sociological standpoint rather than a photographic standpoint was to raise awareness of the issues of suicide in japan and their interesting cultural attitudes towards it, to encourage conciling for suicidaly minded people etc. but the thought that publicising it will just attract more people, even if that isnt directly apropriate for what im doing as it will probably never do anything but sit on my website for a while only to be replaced by some other project just makes me feel even more sad. i feel shitty walking around the forest hoping to find some evidence of a suicidde just to make my stupid fucking photography project look beter when in reality what were talking about is someones life, and all the lives that them killing themselves has effected and ruined.... fuck it. this place is really depresing me, and the forest is really depresing me. its stopped being scary and just started being real. and real is sad.